The Art Snob Archive

Open Letter - Sept 22 2006

AN OPEN LETTER TO FIRST-YEARS
A Manifesto for Change

Ah, dear, dear readers! It is good to be back! To my old friends, hello again…I hope you were not too dismayed by my absence in last week’s issue. I must apologize, but as you can no doubt relate, I was so swept up in the excitement of returning to lectures and my dear old mistress Dana Porter I could hardly steady my hands to write a column! To my newest readers, you young eager first-years, welcome to Academia! Your University years will be among the best of your life, filled with independence, adventure and a chance to stand on the shoulders of intellectual giants to look down on those not as cultured as you.

It is understandable, I suppose, that many of you have become somewhat disillusioned during these first few weeks. I’ve seen you, oh yes, you; wandering around campus, a copy of Finnegan’s Wake under your arm, your messenger bag decorated with pins bearing socio-political statements, wondering why, perhaps, the buildings lack this fabled Ivy you always used to hear about. Why doesn’t the Davis Centre look more like the Grad House? Where are the dusty studies, the wood-paneled walls, the sense of tradition? Why are these professors not old and agitated? Why in God’s name are they young, hip and computer knowledgeable?

I’ve seen you, open-mouthed before the Bomber, wondering why the campus pub is not darker and danker, why it isn’t the type of place you can retreat with your Anthology of Russian Literature to discuss with like minds the genius of Bulgakov. Why, you ask, must the place be filled instead with “bros” sipping Bud Light and laughing at you because you happen to have the sensibility to wear a scarf through all seasons?

I’ve seen you. Too many of you, in fact. One can almost feel the colossal longing for film studies credits to be integrated into every Major plan. It gives me hope.

The future lies with you, dear friends. You are just beginning your stay here in Waterloo, and although I near the end of mine, I feel we can still rally together to change things. Here is what I propose:

Waterloo must undergo a revolution, one comparable in magnitude to Stalin’s Collectivization and Mao’s Great Leap Forward. Like those revolutions, the loss of human life will be accepted as necessary for progress. Together we will capture the spirit that has propelled Oxford and Harvard to the forefront of Academe.

All buildings will be surrounded by a complex outer shell of stone masonry. Every student will devote at least thirty hours a week to this monumental task, which will require every stone to be hand-placed and mortared. Architectural flourishes will be directed by the Religious Studies department and inspired by the Book of Revelation. To show our diversity, perhaps we will also include some Zoroastrian designs.

A rowing team will be established and become the pride and joy of our Athletic program. I suggest the little black lake by Health Services as a practice area. If this is successful, a dueling club will also be initiated. A selection of revolvers and sabers will be obtained by the Federation of Students for this purpose.

A formal UW Intelligentsia will be collected to act as an advisory body to Feds. It will be hierarchical, condescending, and completely out of touch with the lives of average students. It will however, have a much better knowledge of post-Modern philosophy and Norse mythology than you could ever imagine.

Greek and Latin will be made compulsory subjects for every Major plan. A proper university experience can not be without Latin. Concordia cum veritate. as my fellow Classicists will observe, roughly translates to “Latin is the Coolest”. As for Ancient Greek, a Greek friend of mine seems to attract all the arty girls, so I can’t imagine it being a bad thing.

All of the $25 million donated by David Cheriton will be diverted from the construction of a new Computer Science facility to the acquisition of a World-Renowned Sculpture Garden, one to rival Berkeley’s Rodin collection. The remaining funds will be used to replace the chapel at St. Jerome’s with a Gothic Medieval Church, resembling the Dreaming Spires of Oxford. Perhaps we should helicopter one over for authenticity’s sake.

Every professor will be required to wear tweed jackets with elbow patches, and be encouraged to hurry around campus with wildly unkempt hair, muttering to themselves and trying desperately to hold on to a disorganized mass of books and papers.

Thick woolen scarves bearing the University’s colours will be distributed to every student, and will be made mandatory whatever the season.

If these reforms can be carried out quickly, you will be able to forget the pain caused to you by unimaginative 1960s architecture and the ignorant “modern student”. That glorious day will be the true birth of the University, although the signs will be modified to suggest it was founded in the 13^th century. This is my dream, and I know it is also yours. Let’s make it happen.

posted by HLL @ Saturday, September 23, 2006