The Art Snob Archive

BOOZE - Sept 28 2006

“You’re Not Supposed to Like It”
How To Drink Like a Hipster for Homecoming

It’s that time of the year again, dear readers, when the University’s children return to their great mother with open arms, a flood of alumni returning to celebrate Homecoming 2006. I’d like to congratulate the organizers of this year’s festivities for maintaining the intellectual integrity of our school with their plan of events. A literary event, an art exhibition, a former Massey Lecturer to speak, and a Canadian Indie darling to perform in concert; bravo, I say, bravo! God forbid our noble University would emulate the “Great Satan” down the street and celebrate our pride with a riotous football game, a raucous comedy act and a veritable booze fest! We are students, after all, not animals! I commend the administration for preventing such embarrassing tomfoolery!

Alright, perhaps I’m being a bit harsh. It is a time for celebration after all, and I suppose I can understand the average student wanting a bit of the old giggle water every now and then. And really, we art snobs can’t maintain a diet based solely on Spanish coffee and imported fair trade espresso. It just isn’t healthy.

Now, I would love to recommend you warm up for the Joel Plaskett Emergency with a nice glass of sherry or a 1961 French Bordeaux, but I realize it simply isn’t realistic. Not all of us can afford to indulge in such refined pleasures. Fortunately, there is a loophole for the poorer student.

The modern art snob, it seems, often takes the form of a “hipster”, an urban dweller who worships all things kitsch and lives life by the sword of irony. Despite often being wealthy trust fund kids who’ve convinced their parents to support them while they attempt to be artists, hipsters dress in thrift store clothes and decorate with dollar store novelties. Through the hipster, that which is old and cheesy becomes a necessity, and lower class customs become high fashion. In this ideology the poor art snob finds salvation; suddenly, it is acceptable, even “cool”, to drink value brand beer.

There are, of course, certain requirements to acknowledge. First of all, the beer must be overtly working class, none of this Coors Light or Molson Canadian garbage. Pabst Blue Ribbon is an excellent choice, as is Schlitz and Old Milwaukee. Brands like Red Cap are also attractive due to their quirkily shaped bottle. You’ll never see an alpha male with an inferiority complex carrying one of these things around.

The key is to look for a brand that you could imagine sitting around the house of some quarry worker in Sudbury. The label should have the same cheesy design it had when some small-time brewer threw it together forty years ago. Buy a two-four; if you’ve chosen right, it should be as cheap as a twelve-pack of any other brand.

After the first sip, you may gag and ask yourself “Why in the hell am I drinking this horse piss?” At this point, you should remember the advice related by Brooklyn-based TV show “The Burg” (www.theburg.tv): “If you actually like the beer you drink, how is that ironic or funny?”

Value brand beer provides a hip, cheap alternative to the higher quality brands already adopted by football-watching, Abercrombie-wearing students. Snobbery may often be associated with the finer things in life, but I assure you, it is more about being different than living a life of luxury. Drinking Corona with a lime is not being adventurous. It’s actually probably more trailer trash than PBR. Huh. So does that mean it is cool? Oh dear, hipster rhetoric is quite confusing.

I should also point out that if an art snob does have the money for expensive beer, it doesn’t give him or her an excuse to buy Stella Artois. Instead, the always open-minded art snob should browse the International section at the LCBO. A particularly passionate friend of mine at the University of Ottawa recommends trying “Bishop’s Finger”, an English beer with a hint of citrus, or “Saison Dupont”, a tasty, unfiltered Belgian beer. He also recommends studying the label on the bottle so you can impress your friends with an acute knowledge of the brewing process.

Whether rich or poor, for taste or for fashion, beer is the universally accepted holy water of the University student. We art snobs cannot ignore it. So we’ll do it right.

Godspeed this homecoming weekend.

posted by HLL @ Thursday, September 28, 2006