The Art Snob Archive

A New Year - Jan 5 2007

1. Reorganize your book collection into the periods specified by Harold Bloom in his ‘Western Canon’. Be sure to integrate the Mayakovsky, Neruda, and Rushdie you received for Christmas into the “Chaotic Age” (chronologically by geographic area, of course).
2. Preorder “Neon Bible”, the new Arcade Fire album. Wear a big wool scarf and a corduroy jacket while doing so.
3. Sponsor the construction of a statue in Uptown Waterloo to honour Ukranian artist Kasimir Malevich.
4. Make some snide comment about the new Harry Potter movie and the threat it poses to high culture.
5. Make sure no one finds your tickets to the opening night of the new Harry Potter movie. July 13 OMG!
6. Travel to New York and make a point of avoiding the Museum of Modern Art because it’s “lost its edge”.
7. Attempt to reinvigorate the fashion world’s appreciation of the stovepipe hat.
8. Finish writing “A Seminal History of Post-Modern Literature and Architecture in the Suburbs of Algiers during the War of Independence.”
9. Write a letter to Kele from London art rockers Bloc Party apologizing for being so angry with him last year. Tell him how excited you are about the new album “Weekend in the City”. Sleep in peace at night.
10. Appeal to have the restraining order Sofia Coppola placed on you lifted. Claim you were only in the tree outside her window because you wanted to talk about ideas for her next movie.
11. Learn to speak Spanish so you can finally watch “Y tu mamá también” without the subtitles.
12. Listen to more hip-hop to improve your hipster cred. Clipse are this year’s Sufjan, don’t you know.
13. Organize a street art exhibition at UW to fill the bleak, bland outer walls of East Campus Hall with graffiti and wheatpaste. Hope the University doesn’t mind
14. Quit smoking…unless its high quality tobacco in your fantastically fashionable wooden pipe.
15. Cancel your subscription to the Globe and Mail and start having The Times sent over daily from England.
16. Have Dan Brown assassinated.
17. Publicly scold Guns and Roses for not appreciating the unique nature and individual nuances of Sinic civilization by releasing an album called “Chinese Democracy” in March.
18. Make an effort to attend Fidel Castro’s funeral to show off your liberal, open mind.
19. Become the first undergraduate student at the University of Waterloo to be hired on as a tenured professor in Art History.
20. Avoid becoming too popular so you can still be respected by the indie kids.
    

posted by HLL @ Friday, January 05, 2007